The Guy

hye..

here again. talking to myself.

hm.. lately.. well, actually.. since 4-5 months ago..

I..err... I..kinda...erm.. sort of... having.. a crush on this one guy..

(oh my, this is so embarrassing! ouuuhh)

the thing is.. how to let him know?

err...should I?

hm.. sometimes I think this is perhaps just a mind trick.

hm.. this guy.. well, i heard he liked(?) me..when I was in school days.

secret admirer la kununnye..hahaha..

(sungguh xsgka.. a dork n a shy person who rarely talk to boys other than those in her class)

but..maybe I don't pay such attention to rumors..

cuz I was keeping my heart to someone else at that time.

(n I also heard I was one of the girls yg femes kt skolah tu. femes di klgn senior? ironinye, i never knew it! haha.. i found it out just recently while chatting with my ex-schoolmate. aku : femes? haha.. lawak apekah?? diam2 cam ak pn bleh femes. yg ultimately mengherankan adelah..empunya badan xtahu menahu pon. seriusly.. spjg igtn ak la.. ak diam je dlu. byk ckp pn ngan bdk2 dorm or kelas.. or..some girls in my batch. ade sorg dua je yg usha.. tu pon batch ak.. tp ak..well.. xbrp nk accept la the idea.. cuz, as i mentioned b4.. there's someone else in my head. or heart? what ever.. )

xbley ckp la skola mana.. nnti obviously kantoi. heuheu..

erm.. me n this guy xdek history pon.

we talked (er.. actually..chatted) once. I knew that the fact he liked me from a fren. his fren actually. one or two years ago.. but, i don't take it that seriously cuz I thought "okay, thats a long gone story. perhaps he has a girlfriend now. too bad I know this late..hahha" 

ouh.. fyi, i knew that after being dumped. so.. it's ok lah nk pk cmtuh..kot.. hahaha

then, there's an event this year.. that.. errm.. well...(ahh.. this is so obvious, isn't it?)

ok fine! screw the secret! hahaha.. I'm so bad keeping this to myself. haha..

okay.. there's a reunion. many ex students gather again. he's there. sincerely, I do looked for him. nmpknye, still berharap kah? haha.. but we didn't talk. how can I talk? to a guy? that i never talked to? never have a thing to talk about? duhhh

after the event.. at home.. FB-ing.. some seniors added me. I approved. n one of them say hi to me, chatted a bit.. n told me.. that guy..The Guy I mean.. wants to get to know me.

oh my.. seriously?? or..perhaps he just saying that bcoz he knew The Guy was once a secret admirer of mine?

he kept on saying The Guy will say hello to me someday. 

and.. obviously, I was kinda waiting for it. hahha.. oh malunye saye >.<

not long after that.. The Guy did say Hello to me. 3am in the morning. He's on the chatlist. online. I was.. well.. couldn't sleep that night. I was so surprised. hahaha..

so we chatted. talked about studies..and what to do after grad.. n so on. 

n that's it. 

after that.. we haven't spoken until now. no development. *sigh*

haha.. well.. I did saw a girl.. on his wall.. posting something to him.. n saying hi n stuff..

maybe that's his gf? 

melepas lah sudah~

(dun laugh. i can guarantee u'll stalk the person you like. :P)

but it wasn't something so confirmed about.

yes they do seemed close.. but, no 'sayangs' or what ever lovers callings I can see.

but seeing 'awk' a bit of hurting lah jugak. haha.. i definitely can smell jealousy there.

so..what now? I can't help to stalk him. Is this love? wahaha.. so tricky =.=

soooo...cheesy.. hahaha..

love is another thing. this is just a 'like'. should I tell him? but..I'm not gonna say it.. too shy for that.

just.. how to let him know? or..should I really let him know?

what if he really hv a girl rite now? that would be very embarrassing.

so.. he won't know lah ni? then I won't stand a chance lah?

sad lah plk.

haha..

haha.. this crush thing is sick.

this kind of things? doksoh brangan lew..huhuks 

p/s: good to know my heart slowly opens.

dslr.....

bila saya da ckup duit nanti..

saya nak beli dslr sebijik.

tak kira!

humph!

i hate this part right here

this is not the song by PCD. but the title suits d feelings rite now.

hmm.. sedih sbnrnye ni.

tp..mungkin terlalu public utk ditulis kat cni.

and this makes me losing all d convo feelings. seriously.

ntah la..

I dunno what to do.

is it really my fault.....?

sincerely, I don't think so... 

*sebak*

sekadar gambar hiasan

I blame the internet for putting us apart. I can't apologize for something I didn't do. neither do coaxing. it's just not my thing. usually I may say 'it's not macho..' but, in this case.. I don't feel that I have to.

p/s: this got nothing to do with Mr Right

miss them

I feel like going out.

dating.

with my frens.

girlfrens.

(bcoz I don't date boys. yet. haha)

tp.. kerja cmni. mcm mana nk kuar2?

tibe2 rs nk balik umt lah plk.. haha..<-- very rare feeling

bukan kuar ape pun..

takat jumpe2..mkn same2.. borak same2..

sy xde r gile nk hang out cam urban people..

hang out je... wajib g cinema.. wajib karok.. wajib pusing bandar.

not me lah kalo begitu.

pointnye skrg... I miss my frens. 

huhu

no merely ordinary posts to me

at this very moment..

saje nk ckp..

yang..

sy..

ske.. teramat ske actually..

bila org post kt wall sy.

tak kesah la ape2 post pn.

rase...

dihargai..

or..at least.. diingati..

rase..

terharu.

semoga..

Allah melimpahkan kerahmatan kpd awak2 semua, yakni kawan2 saye..

 p/s: when saye ckp cmni..bkn nk suh post, cuma..xtaw nk btaw sape..nk tulis kt mana.. how I really2 appreciate people remembering me. I can't keep this beautiful feeling to myself. sy mesti jgk express cmne2 cara pun. huhu

a bit about bulan puasa

esok puasa.

ramadhan.

alhamdulillah.

puasalah saye dikala kerja part time neh.

moga2 cergas ceria lah esok.

hoho

sadly, berbuka kat watsons tu jek.

sobs.

yelah, masuk jam 12 tgahari. balik jam 9 mlm.

sobs lagi.

xpelah. demi mencari sesuap nasi.

hah, over.

puasa, xmakan minum senang je.

tp bkn takat tu je,then kira puasa da langsai.

puasa, kena jaga pandangan, jaga perilaku..

tambah amal ibadat..

"yeay! da masuk bulan puasa! sukenye!!" atau.."ramadhan datang lg. oh my..:')"

sounds nice. n welcoming.

tp ckp saja xguna.

puasa2.. tp, aurat x jaga. cmne?

puasa2.. tp, mencarut. cmne?

puasa2.. tp mengumpat. cmne?

puasa2.. tp berdating sakan. cmne?

bkn nk ckp hipokrit. konon2 nk jd diri sendiri... xnak la, kalo jage takat bln puasa je.

I mean, puasa tu agak2.. diterima tak?

sy xnak judge lebih. who am I right, nk judge org itu ini.

tp.. sy ckp bnda betul what.

at least, usaha la sikit. sekecik mana pun usaha, Allah pndang jugak..kan?

pjg berceramah, let me go straight to the point lah..kan?

to those yg xbrp nk jaga aurat.. obviously, free hair people, n yg pkai pkaian singkat n ketat.. smoga Allah lembutkan hati untuk jaga mana yg patut. rambut cntik2, tutupla. kalo xtutup..cantik takat mana pun, terbakar kt dunia satu lg tu. syg la kan? penat2 jaga..:)

yg byk mencarut, or ckp perkataan2 x enak didengar.. selalunye lelaki la, tp pompuan pn x ketinggalan..

duk tganu ni mmg, da mcm DNA kot ckp kasar2 bg segelintir org.. aiya, thank God, not for me.

drp duk sebut "bodo la..", "bengong mu", etc dan etc.. baik la berzikir ke ape di bulan yang mulia nih.

:)

hal mengumpat. meh sy explain sket mengumpat tu ape. mengumpat ni, apabila kita mengata psl seseorg atau byk2 org. mostly, ckp ape yg xpuas hati la kan..psl any particular person. dia itu, dia ini.. even benda tu betul.

lain plk ngan memfitnah, which kita tambah crita yg xbenar. memburuk2kan org.

byk lg kan bnda len bleh bwat. bleh dickpkan. ape kate, kite penuhi ramadhan kali ni dgn 

perkara2 yg penuh produktif?

:)

last point kt atas, dating. (ntah..sy rs cam nk ckp psl 4 point ni je...byk lg benda bleh sentuh tang ramadhan ni sbnrnye..). sy anti dating n couple? xtaw lah nk ckp cmne. bkn nk sergah ckp, "dating xbleh. kapel haram. jangan buat!" huhu.. sy xde r se-strict cmtu. manusia ni mcm2. feeling n perangai n kepercayaan pun mcm2.

I mean, lots of other things can be done right? salu la tgk, or dgr.. time bulan puasa ni, nak la berbuka same2 kan? ape kate, ajak berbuka kt umah? skali ngan femili la. mahram pun ramai. ngehee..

bkn ape, between boys n girls mmg ada some kind of attraction. so, be careful la. Syaitan ni cerdik gak. at the same time, never stop ajak manusia bwat bnda slh. sy xske amik risiko, sbb tu otak sy punya setting cmnih. huhu. ape2 pun, pas kawen lah. senang. hehe. xde org halang or nk soksek soksek..

:)

ok lah. dah masuk isyak.

terawih, moh! ;)

many2 things

banyopnye things dlm kepala.

nak buat itu

nak buat ini.

typical me. ske bwat keje separuh jalan. sobs. ape pnya perangai daa..

sbb.. cepat bosan.

bosan satu perkara tu, buat bnda len dlu.

ble bosan buat bnda len tu, bwat bnda len yg len plk.

last2.. sume separuh jln.

semua x siap lah kesimpulannye.

my bad.

so many desires and interesting wonders

p/s: 

huhu.. missing my unknown Mr Right again. ottoke -__-"

am I crazy oredi? sobs :'(

2nd p/s: 

I miss my friends. 

my school friends. 

my matrix friends. 

 I miss the gossips. 

I miss prep.

I miss PUM.

I miss the dorm. 

I miss the hated weekend rolecall. 

I miss being in the surau at school, jotting whatever tazkirah Ustaz gave. 

I miss cheering for sport tournament in my school.

I miss the uniform, even.

I miss the outing with frens. 

I miss the race, burning night's oil together with friends. I miss so many thing....

in the mood of missing.

hurt's u know.

taw miss je bleh. nk ulang balik ape yg dimisskan tu mana bley.

sobs

Giv Me Life

ahaha.. aku dah okay!

AKU DAH OKAY LAA!!

oh my dear GOD.. I can hardly believe this.

I thank YOU so muchhh!

I was kinda afraid, but YOU show me the reality. a confirmation.

the reality that.. I AM SO OKAY now!

again.. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

so happy, I think I might just die now -__-"

p/s: now, where's my Mr Perfect eh? God close our heart together, let us meet faster. Oh dear God, You're the only One who knows well. I'm getting jealous of everyone...oops.

to thee..

this is what once i wished for..

so, i shudn't regret.. right?

I wanted to be invisible.

bcoz at that time I was so upset.

but.. it hurts sometimes..

still, I'm glad HE heard my prayers.

I don't know.. if this what I've really imagined.

or.. this may just be a punishment for what I did in my past.

sure.. I never wanted to be hated.

nor to be totally ignored.

Everyone wants to be loved.

to be acknowledged for any possible reasons.

me either.

guess my words have eaten me up.

I feel so alone in the crowd.

I feel a wide and super deep gap between us all..

I wished I was Alice..

but it seems like..

I'm just a Bella.

minus Edward, or Jacob.

I'm just by myself.

no one seems to really2 care of me.

now I am feeling like crying..

but does anyone would listen?

my lips and tongue are sealed.

I can't confess.

I can't speak of what I really feel.

even I shout it out loud in my heart.

no one replies.

this is sad.

this is scary.

being alone..

in a very young age.

this is the age where I should laugh out loud..

go somewhere with my girlfriends.

do something crazy..

then laugh again and again...

....

I want to tell them.. I love them so much..

those I call my friends.

well.. if they do think I'm one of their friends...

but my heart did shrink.. when I was not the one they'll come after..

to share stories.. happy or sad..

it's like.. I was no body.

I'm out of the list.

I want to be there for them. I really do.

but if they won't let me, what's more can I do?

I do feel pity looking my self in d mirror.

I see no one but a sad growing up girl, all by herself.

a dark background.

and an image of her friends laughing at her.

I am invisible.

my bad, I'm cold as ice.

but.. seems like no one care to break it and reach the warmth inside.

sorry cuz sometimes I can be a little bit mean.

But, is that all people can see on me?

**sigh**

I really love you guys..u know..

I guess.. I just need to pretend some more months here..

it's what I always do.

acting happy go lucky, like i have no problems at all..

wish you guys d best in the future..

it's okay if someday ahead.. you don't even remember on knowing me..

even my heart will definitely feel disappointed.

but, I wish.. that you would say when you hear someone saying my name..

"oh, I know her.. she's my friend..."

and again.. I really love you guys.

I might just cold enuf to admit.

Flipped, my Flipped.

just finished watching Flipped.

such a sweet, real-like story.

like.. I've been there some time ago..

It's a movie, a love story between Juli Baker and Bryce Loski.

a decent childhood love.

Juli liked him at the first time she met that boy. She's right.

Bryce do have a pair of dazzling eyes.

a fine nose.

a charming smile.

amongst all, I love the scene when Juli's mother kissed her eyebrow before she fall asleep. a very short scene. I don't really know why..

I can't remember when was the last time my mother kissed me.

Or receiving a real hug from her.

hmm.. myb that's one of the reasons I grow up cold like this.

I can hardly show the tenderness of love to those I really care.

oh.. not blaming her. There are hundreds n thousands of possible reasons to this.

She's a great mother. Maybe she showed her love in her prayers.. who knows..

hmm.. I'm not in d mood to write the whole story summary.

u all can browse d internet for it.

if u guys like sweet, romantic story.. I do suggest u to watch it.

haha.. not a single kissing scene (almost).. so it's safe enough :p

guess.. it's kinda too late to have d same story as them.

I'm growing up.

but.. they say, it's never too late to fall in love with d true one :)

I'm glad.. I do have a nice childhood love. First love, I might say.

It was sweet.

It was decent.

So pure, so shy, where people made gossips and spread through the school and u keep on pretending like u didn't hear it, 

where friends keep on teasing u when he was around and u just acted like u didn't care (even ur heart could just burst out each time u see him, but u can just act like u didn't)

where whatever cloths he wears seems perfect on him.

his smile would make u feel like fainting. like a drug or something. very intoxicating. 

like the sweetest smile u ever saw.

where everyday seems like u're in heaven.

being in the class is your greatest pleasure..since u can watch him at the corridor of his class, just at the opposite of ur class. 

(sometimes whenever u see him watching u, u're heart beats so fast..u afraid that he may caught u watching him too. at the same time, u feel like drugged with an ecstasy. extremely happy, that he wud even look at u. ) 

seeing his talking to others girls make u mad. u're jealous. u never talked to him directly at school.

even madder when some gossip him with other girls.

u even cried for such ridiculous expectations and thoughts.

u're hurt when knowing a friend of yours also liked him. u feel like giving up. but actually, there's nothing to give up on. he's not even yours. and that doubles d hurt.

u even tried to match his shirt's colors.

if u don't have, u bought them.

u even write every single scene of the day in a diary. those with him in the story.

and..i'm pretty sure.. it's everyday.

u liked him, but of course u are too shy to admit.

you tried to take pics of him, hoping he wouldn't notice. but u're not crazy enough to put it under ur pillow or in ur desk's drawer so that u can watch it everyday. u extremely afraid of getting caught by ur friends.

u even bought all the pictures that have him in when the year book committee. 

Even those which he can hardly be seen.

u pray for his good life. pray for his success in his examinations, or what even he's been doing.

sometimes, u even forget to pray for urself.

you try to notice so many things about him. where's his home. his phone number (even u wudn't even try to call), his favourite color, his best friends, his interest..

without u realizing that u started to like the same thing.

everything about him.

kinda innocent back there.. right?

thanks 4 giving me a nice memory at school.

p/s: 

oh come on, didn't u say u got over it already?

yes I did..

so, what's this all about? telling these kind of stuff?

I'm just telling. Nothing much. I'm not expecting anything upon writing this.

Hope u r sure with that.

I am. Besides, how can I ever forget my first love. It's like.. impossible. Right? Everyone got first love.. just that d story wudn't be d same.

Okay, I hear u.

I'm just being thankful here.. I'll be fine, alrite..?

p/s/s: "..was clean and smooth from the outside, but it seemed like there was something rotten buried just beneath the surface." -Juli

I didn't mean it!

uuu..I don't wanna call him..

I don't want him to think that I wanna call him..

I hope it didn't ring..

I seriously don't wanna call himmmm... huk2..

I'm serious!

I was just trying to figure out my 8pax numbers..

it's 7 day bonus..free to call..

I didn't remember his number..

still..I didn't remove it yet from d list..

i was just too busy....I guess..

so I just test all number from d list.

I thought I cancelled d call when his name emerge on d screen..

I was just testing..

but it seems like it was not yet cancelled. How come????

I realized it 3-4 seconds later.

possibly.. it might has reached his phone..!

ringing..myb..

God... I don't I don't know how to say this..

if it's really ringing.. I really want him to know.. I have no attention at all to bother his life..

hell I'm not gonna call him even I'm at the end my life..

I just don't want to get connected to him..

again, I don't hate it.

I want to get over it.

I want to be free..

let his life be.

God.. if You can just erase the received or missed call from me, in his phone log.. it would be such a great thing for me.. Please...You are capable of doing anything.. please erase it.. if it ever reach his phone..

or.. I hope he changed his number.. or remove my number.. block me.. anything possible..

(God why didn't I remove him yet from d list??! I'm such a Fool!)

God.. please. . . . . . . . . . .

to you, my Mr Right.

"lovely"... the holiday just about to enter..

and I caught cold.

sneezing all around..

terrible headache..

feeling warm n cold at the same time..

this really sucks.. uhuu..

hacchummm!!

srottt...srottt

:P

td tgk cter p/s I love You..

4 d 2nd time.

(I should watch it when I'm little bit older.. huhu.. english movies.. they're all 'unclean')

such a sad story..uhuu..

just about the first 30 minutes, tears came rushing to my cheek. easily touched.

owh...movie tu dlm 2jam kot..

she loved her husband so much..

uhu.. and it seems like she hurts a lot when he died..

and the upcoming few weeks..or month mybe..

she looks like a crazy widow..

she couldn't get over it..

somehow.. it reminds me a lot to the 'dark days' I had.

felt like.."I can't face the world anymore..I can't continue my life.. I hate..I regret.. life's just too hurtful to be continued.. I wouldn't feel any more pain if I just die.."

but..at the same time.."I can't die yet..", "I'm young..there's more to treasure out there".."it's time to really be myself".."I just.. don't deserve him..there's someone fated to be with me. someone I need.."

stuffs like that.

don't worry..I am getting over it.

just..sometimes when memories came rushing to you..

it could be tough sometimes..

tough enough to push ur tears out..

it's like I might be just too obsess with so called first love that I don't even want to let it go.

I'm just a typical person who believe so much in falling in love just once in my life and hope that it'll be forever..

myb I'm just not fated to be like one..

so unbelievable. but that's what happened. I just need to accept it, don't I?

what to do..

things went not really as what you expected..

of course you can't blame God..

actually, knowing God exists become the primary soothing reminder..

HE got plans 4 my life.

eh.. what am I saying? ughh.. knock it off already..

I'm sorry..

I'm easily being carried away with that episode.

this head ache is terrible..

when I'm starting to realize that I got carried away like this..

one of the things that come into my mind is.."owh Mr Right, whoever you are..where are you? when will I finally meet you?"

I do hope..well..kind of have these wishes that he's someone different from what I thought.

but i would like if he's some kind of funny, crazy maybe..sweet smiling.. trust me no matter what comes in line.. not too rational, but knows what's good for our long term life..treat me so wonderful.. being spontaneous.. sing me love songs before we sleep (dun care if he's not good in singing).. give me flowers without reasons.. talkative n love to tease me in any ways.. (really need to love teasing me cuz I tend to sulk, and it sucks when I have to coax myself. such a tense situation it'll be)

but.. seems like too much of daydreaming right? can't this kind of man really exist? why can't? we control our life. we do mistakes. but we can do wonderful things with it. why don't make those dream comes true? doesn't trying to make our life beautiful, meaningful?

at least..we're trying.

this is far okay than wishing for some tough, tall 6pax guy, with charming face, very masculine and strong. romantic and perfect character guy. rich and brave and kind.. sort of impossible for someone like me.

so..I would like to remind myself.. or..any readers..

think about it..

why don't we make our life wonderful? I am messed up sometimes. I am cold. I am too much of sensitivity. Too much of dreaming.. but I do want the best of  my life. of course..for you too. I am trying, I will.. even you might not see it. if it's a dream, I wanted to make it true. something real. I would like to make you feel that u're lucky to have me. I wanted you to know.. that I'm just an ordinary person with lots of defects and I can never be perfect. but, having you in my life will surely fill the imperfect parts of me. I have a heart that might change someday, but you gotta make me believe that u're worth it. I can't survive a relationship if I'm the only one trying to save it. I had enough. God, I am so curious about you...dearest Mr Right. I'm not expecting much of you. I've learnt. I'll try to accept you whatever person u're like. I don't want any perfect guy. if u r already perfect, then what my function will be in ur life, rite? u wouldn't need me if u're already perfect. err.. I'm not referring to anyone by saying this. just.. any possible perfect guy lah out there. to you, especially my Mr Right..out there..

ahh..ape merepek nih.. sorry2.. i really need to stop now..huhu

p/s: It's like loving someone you don't really know. actually, someone you have no idea who he is. 

this is.. crazy

=.=" 

(am I crazy??)

I know I'm thin. Don't remind me.

I know I'm thin. Don't remind me. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it to d power of a trillion.

yeah..I am in a very pissed off mood rite now. don't talk to me. I feels like screaming and crying at the same time.

I'm trying hard to hold my anger.

know what? I seriousssssssssly pisssssssssed offfffffffff when somebody bumped into me.. and say..

"hey, you look thinner...!"

(often they say it in malay. I'm just into English mood)

dude, I went to PK (pusat kesihatan) this afternoon and the penimbang there showed that I gain 2-3kilos.

dude!!!!! I was really happy, until just now..some unalert person greet me such pissing off words.

(argghhh...really in a wild mood. just finished rewatching crows zero. feels like punching the walls and faces and destroying things in d room and scream and shout out loud.. my fists shivers, same goes to my legs. it has been a long time after the last taekwondo training I went...)

if only I can warn everyone.. not to greet me..ever like that..but..

ugh..know what? I can't.

and again..it pissed me off..

dude...I'm born with such genes...!! so you can't act like it's me who's not eating and make myself thin.

I ate a lot. most people know, thin people do eat a lot.

oh..I know.. You're not in my shoe. that's why you can be so insensitive 

it's the same when you greet some so called fat people..

"heyyy..you look fat!!"

duhhh.. don't it make em really pissed off???

I'm telling you here... don't greet whoever thin looking friends of yours with such "heyy..you look thinner now" words. we hate it. not that we don't try to gain weight (it's not about gaining weight actually..it's just about how people see and respond to you..)

sometimes, it does felt like some kind of pressure. tension.

really affects the confidence.

really makes me feel like disappearing from the world.

tolong laa..be alert sket.

p/s: ughh...tekanan perasaan tahu takkk???aku taw la aku kurus. xpyh la nk igtkan. it's like ckp kt 'org tak cerdik'.."heyy.. bodoh la kau skrg" atau..tegur org kulit gelap.."heyy..hitam r kau skrg!" (sorry 4 d rough words. kalo xnmpk n x jelas lg example tu, xtaw la nk ckp pe..) bab2 berat neh sensitif tahu? sbb mmg pyh nk ubah when it comes from d gene. tolong r alert sikit for such things. kena plk kt org yg tibe2 makin sensitif mcm sy. oh, not really tibe2. I'm not this sensitive sblm ney. ms skolah dulu..mtriks ke. i noticed, this sensitivity grows higher, bigger since my heart was broken by some heart-breaking person I really want to trust. It happens that i am afraid of being hurt again, that's why I'm becoming more sensitive...being too protective over myself... and again, I don't wish..neither do like this kind of sensitivity. don't blame me.it grows along with the experiences in life. God, do give me patience.. huuu...

badmood.J**,program,

hye.

um.

hari ni bermula ngan bad mood. so I guess, kinda a bad day lah.

xtaw lah kenapa.

smpai tghari juga masih bad mood.

bertmbh bad mood bile masuk kelas polisi tuh.

kenapa?

huh.. hari pertama masuk kelas, sudah kena shoot.

dlm ramai2, kenape sy yg kena???

oh, kenapa kena shoot?

uh.. sbb... sy senyum dlm kelas.

what th...??

lepas kena shoot tu, trus diam, terus kerut dahi, terus hilang cebis2 kegembiraan.
Mimi yg duk sebelah  buat lawak pun, sy pandang sebelah mata jek.

bese r, org baru kena shoot atas alasan yg x munasabah.

fine.

ari ni, masuk kelas..baru teringat.

oh, ini kelas yg aku kena shoot ari tu.

terus kerut dahi. terus diam. terus stres.

dan terbawa2 smpai la ke tghari.

kesian mereka yg noticed ke-badmood-an sy.

sy nk ckp pn xlalu.

org tnya sepatah, sy jawab sepatah.

hmm..ekceli ada terasa ngan seseorg,.

sy rs org tu terasa kot ngan sy, tibe2 cam xbrape nk bercakap.

tp, xde pulak bgtahu.

sy pn...xigt la plk ada buat slh pape pd dia.

so.. stress la.

cuba buat xtaw..tp, ttp nmpk jgk ada something wrong tp x disuarakan.

hmm.. sungguh menyepoilkan mood di tahun baru ok.

seyes, sy xnak kedinginan beberapa lama yg lalu berulang kembali.

dh final year kot.

akhir tahun ni dh x jumpe lg......

hmm.........

then..sy pergi hatcheri, nk strat last treatment utk ketam2 sy.

oh, ada Jay! tp..xde la excited sgt. berdebar? hm..xde la sgt kot..

he was at his tank. tgk main subject tuk his thesis.

binatang yg ada ekor pjg tu..

yg kulit keras tuu..

oh, ckup.. ini sudah dari cukup untuk mengantoikan diri.

ok, it was kinda awkward..since sy n dia je kat sebesar2 hatchery tuh.

sy kenal dy. dy kenal sy.

then..dua2 bwat cam xbrape kenal.

so, sbgai pemula bicara.sy sapa..

oh, bila nk habis M*s***?

dan bermulala dialog yg tak seberapa nk lama.

ckp psl project.

kenapa ketam mcm ni..

boleh hidup ke mcm tu..

sy tnya psl M*s***..

but still, sy xde la excited sgt pn.

teruk beno badmood. that shud be somewhat yg mengeboostkan adrenaline sy kot.

hm..

sy dh xnmpk rupa diri mcm mana.

muka berminyak ke tak..ahh..pedulikkan.. sy byk keja lg nk dibuat.

mls oh nk control hari ni.

tup2..lame pula dy terpacak kat tepi tank sy.

tgk ketam..smbil pk ape pn sy x taw la.

sy yg duk ulang alik hangkut sea water ni rase sungguh tak macho ok.

berat kot. ahh....ntah ape rupa time tuh. dgn panasnya.

(but I'm glad arini panas. harus syukur)

huu..kekok betul la kalo bwat keja org tgk jek. bkn nk tulun.

grr..

hm..actually.. sy sengaja letak keychain yg dia bg dulu atas tank
(skali ngan hempon la...dh keychain tu tergantung kt hempon ni kn)
where obviously boleh nmpk kalo duk ulang alik kt ctu.

in case he wud say something about it, and indirectly shows that he remembered me.

cess.. xde pulak ckp hape2.

xkan xnmpk kot.

mgkin sbb tu la kot sy mcm tak brape nk gumbira akan his presence.

hahha..

gatal!

suke hati la wei nk buat hape pn, bkn buat bnda pelik2 pn. harus ada taktik. haha

:P

(ok, secara tidak lgsung terhibur ngan post sendiri. sungguh glad ok.)

oh, lupe nk ckp.. masa duk sibuk2 nk set up utk treatment tuh..(b4 he stood kt tanks sy)

tibe2 hempon berbunyi.

my mom called.

apekah?

oh, she said ada postcard dari luar negara smpai.

pengirim dia nama basikal hijau.

ahh..poskad kamu da smpai.

terima kaseh =)

wee... poskad oc pn jadi la..

huhu

then she continued..

"balik x cuti raya cina ni?"

sy ckp, x taw lg. bizi ngan projek. x siap lg.

(oh, semuanya dlm sleng tganu yek..)

"oh..dh, x balik ke besday?"

"erk.. hee.. xtaw gop.. bkpe nyerrrrrr...."

(mnja2 sket)

"ada r program sket.."

"program?? program nape plop eyyy... dh nk kena balik gop r ni?"

"hola.."

"program nape gok.."

"adelaa..."

"hm..tgk la gane2, yen kabo smula. buleh kot balik...huhu"

"ok..."

selesai di situ..

agak excited sbentar. they never planned such so called 'programme' for me.

huhu..salunye..bile bday.. mkn kt luar jela.

huhu.. 

adela kot hadiah smpingan sikit.

atau.. sy claim lmbt..

cthnya.. hadiah bday x bg lg..

then one day, jalan2 ngan parent...ade berkenan kt something. agak mahal utk beli sendiri.

masa tu la claim.

hahaha..

hee...suspen sungguh.

surprise apekah?

i rarely celebrate my birthday with anyone else.

rs cam.. hu..kite ney sape jek nk di-celebrate sgala bagai.

xpela.... masih dpt hidup until bday tu pn da ckup baik.

(acece...konon2 humble lah tu :P)

ari ni sgt sibuk ok.

sy xsmpt nk lunch n tea break petang.

rosak diet.

skrg da lapar macam t-rex x mkn sebulan.

duk solat pn perut bunyi2.

golek atas katil jugaperut masih nk bunyi2.

sy xleh mkn pd waktu yg slh.

nnti akan disrupt schedule mkn sterus2nya..

okla, nk g kuar...tmpah mknn.

rasa nk mkn nasi+tomyam.

ke...mee bandung ek?

ke...nasi yg goreng2 ek?

hu..tgkla ape yg berkenan kt kdai tuh..

ok, c ya..

p/s: sy mintak maaf utk hari ini. kpd diri sy sdiri dan mereka yg mgkin terkena tempias badmood sy.

ehh...sy xdela marah2 org. cuma, being less responsive. ntah, rs mcm nk diam je hari ni.

oh, esok lagi sibuk..

caiyok2 zarin! u can do it!!!

sikit je lg ni..hmm

bukan duit!!

ahh..pedulikkan..

I'm not chasing over money.

neither some pocket-full guy.

(benda sama je kot  :P)

I'm only chasing happiness.

a guy who would accept me as myself.

who wolud at least try to understand.

I won't be in such a rush to get one.

let time plays it's role.

kaya luaran, x semestinya gembira berpanjangan..

-set otak- 

AKU TAK KEJAR DUIT

AKU TAK KEJAR DUIT

AKU TAK KEJAR DUIT

AKU TAK KEJAR DUIT

AKU TAK KEJAR DUIT

AKU KEJAR KEBAHAGIAAN. TITIK.

p/s: abaikan kemerepekkan penulis. beliau juge org biasa, suka duit. tp...beliau tidak mahu menjadi hamba duit. dengan itu, beliau memerlukan peringatan berpanjangan seperti apa yg berlaku pada post kali ini. beliau mahu terima seseorang yg seadanya, bkn kerana duit.  sukar ya mahu jumpa seseorg yg menerima kita seadanya. erm.. mgkin xjmpe lg kot.. sbb tu rs cmtu. haha (tp kalo dpt jgk, apekan daya :P)

alahai Mr Right... di manakah kamu saat ini......?

serious! GIRLS DO ALERT!

elo, assalamualaikum..

hurmm..

**tahu tak salah satu perkara yg meletakkan korang dlm kategori bodoh adalah curi tray yang 

org len sendiri mintak ngan lab assistant, lengkap berlabel untuk kegunaan final year project mereka 

dan telah pun diberi peringatan daripada penyelaras untuk tak berbuat demikian? bodoh tahu tak? menyusahkan org. kang doa fail project or tak dapat result then kena extend then tak dpt result lg..

then extend lg. baru tahu. geram tahu tak??!!**ok, sdikit kasar ye di situ. itu suara2 yg bermain dalam jiwa raga tghari td.dh lama sbnrnya hilang tray tu, tp..bila smpai masa nk guna.. then xde.. mula r terbangkit.mmg emo r kejap.seyes, tak ke b*d*h kalo dah terang2 orang label maseh nk amik. nk pinjam? ok..fine. tp, xleh ke letak notis ke hape..??huh..dah sebulan lebih kot kalo nk kata pinjam.bukan takat kite punya jek, mimi punya pn dh kena kebas juga. !@#$%^&*() (tak mencarut ok. cuma tekan shift dan nombor 1 smpai 0 :P) petang dh ok sikit. ah abaikan, iklan semata2.-

ni nk kongsi sikit la, bace kat blog cik anis comel. penting tahu?!!

cik anis ada formspring. then one day, ada sorg lelaki ni tnya dia..

(not really a question la.. ah, doesn't matter question ke hape, isi dy yg penting!)

copy pasted:

I’m a guy…and I love your friend **********. I just want her to know that I masturbate while thinking of her and looking at photos of her. I do it almost everyday, dreaming of putting my d*** into her v*****. I know a few other guys who also do it 2 her

huu...menakutkan bukan? so...darling2 yg saya sayangi.. erm.. hope amik srius perkara ni. walaupun mgkin tak secantik or selawa artis ke sape2.. well, risikonya tetap ada. yg lawa2 tu lg la.. huuuu...

this is also one of the main reasons sy x brani nk letak sgt gmbr sendiri.. or gambar kawan2.

sounds like a virtual kind of abuse..or...raping.. or apa2 yg sewaktu dgnnya..

bloody scary!

u don't know..whenever you just uploaded a photo of you,or your friends.. and some crazy nasty guys noticed that and immediately save those photos into their laptop or pc..

imagining crazy or whatever u can't even think of..

each time when they are about to sleep..

or..bila2 la..

(mana la sy tahu..sbb sy bukan org mcm tu.)

huu... tak takut ke?

erm...kalo takut saja, xde makna jugak.

take actions!!

THIS IS DAMN SERIOUS!!

dah besar kan semua? pndai2 la pikir sendiri..

all I can suggest :

1. remove gmbr yg obviously menampakkan muka.. apa2 gmbr la.. yg aksi gedik ke, ala2 mengguda ke hape ke.. gmbr dlm bilik, atas katil ke.. ape2 jela..gmbr ngan member rmai2, pkai tdung labuh pn? oh! jgn igt org seksi2 je kena abuse.. dunia zaman skrg ni..hurmm... xtaw la nk ckp cmne. take precautions steps, xrugi kot..

2. kalo nk remove pn, mgkin masih dpt di-trace via encik google. yela, once u upload a pic into the internet, it'll remain there like forever. so.. apa yg boleh dilakukan lg.. stop uploading more pics of yourself. no more..

ckup smpai apa yg ada..

I'm telling you cause I care. I give suggestions, what you can actually do. But it's still in your hands. I'm not gonna force you or what so ever. pndai2 la fikir sendiri. NOT SAYING ALL GUYS OUT THERE JAHAT, OR CRAZY... but, it's a good thing to protect ourselves from such nasty things. don't you think so?

mgkinla terdetik.." perghh..tegas gile oh suggestions! huhu.."
ntahla.. oredi ajar diri sendiri mcm tu. lama2 leh je buat..or apply. awal2 mmg degil. huhu..
korang myb ada cara len ke.. ape ke, terserah.
but somehow, sy x brani nk letak diri sy in such risks.
xpela xlawa kbabom pn -__-"
at least, I tried apa yg terdaya.
and I still am.

The devils never stop menghasut anak adam.Kan?

goodbye2010, hello2011!

=)

mulakan dengan bismillah..juga senyuman..

tahun 2010 mula melabuhkan tirainya..

I'm glad.

akhirnya berakhir gak tahun yg bg sy... sgt menyakitkan..

sgt.. pathetic.

ada part yg agak menggembirakan..

ada part.. perghh... tak sanggup nk endure, rasa nak mati jek.

bg org2 yg mengikuti perkembangan sy masa tu, taula cmne citernya..

huhu.. macam dh hilang pertimbangan.

"the same girl who laughs and talks a lot and seems very happy is also the girl who may cry herself to sleep"

huhu..

azam tahun baru?

erm..xtau la nk kata azam ke ape..

tp, ada la harapan..

smoga sy makin tabah..

smoga betul2 dpt get over it..

makin rajin..

it's 2011, meaning I'm going to be 21.

people make mistakes..

sometimes..took wrong decisions..

or...terlalu gopoh dlm memikirkan sesuatu..

I was young

(skrg pn young jek :P)

harap dpt jd lg matang la sket..

huhu.. pengalaman kan guru terbaik tuk mematangkan diri.

at least, I learn something.

lg.. jumpe Mr Right in 2011?

hurmm...tak jugak.

ntah, hati tak brape nk terbuka lg tuk serius dlm hubungan melebihi kawan..

yg sy duk cter psl Jay tu pn..bknnya serius..

suka2..

life's too boring kalo juruh sgt

eheh :P

minat org tu bese la..

haa...lg 1 harapan, smoga kawan tuh dpt bonus~

kerja bagus, xde masalah pape..

hehe..(asal baik sgt ni..?)

smoga dengan kelancaran dlm kerjaya tuh, berjayalah beralih ke tangan sy pulak 'bnda tuh'.

apekah?

tungguuu~~~

lg harapan..erm...smoga result final year project sy significant..

huhu...nk grad jugak tahun depan..

xmo extend2..

lg..erm.. kawen?

aish... rilek luu..

kan da ckp, paling kurang pn...when I'm 23 kot..

huhu..

yg sy ckp2 cam beriya nk kawen tu..gurau2 je..

mcm la korg xpernah gurau psl kawen :P

erm..ape lg ye?

hrp2...dpt la capai bbrp perkara dlm wishlist.

oh, tahun depan..after grad (inshaAllah..)

sy akan ada masa free kan?

abah pn nk pencen dh bulan 2 ni..

bleh la luangkan masa ngan famili g trip ke..

uhuu.. rase nak bejalan~

sambung master?

err... cam kureng jek hati ke arah itu..

huhu..

nak merasa duit sendiri..

nak kutip pengalaman luar akademik pulak..

my life is too much on track.

skali skala nk jugak bwat something unexpected..huhu

erm.. ape2 yg terbaik lah..huhu

utk sy..utk semua org..

selamat tinggal 2010. sy tinggalkan semua yg sedih2 tu bersama kamu. jgn ikut sy lg pd 2011.

2011, smoga kamu dtg dengan penuh rahmat, penuh cherish n happiness.

I'm looking forward on you :)

p/s: aihh..boleh plk org yg supply barang2 kawen add sy. bikin eksaited saja..:P sinis pun ye jugak..huhu

adat & adab si terer

*xske letak backlighting.*

*xske letak efek pelik2*

*ske gmbr enset sony ericsson.*

*xske lady gaga*

-abaikan iklan di atas-

uhh..kelapa masih sakit..

ehh..kepala..

erm..tak kelakar. fine.

merepek lg.

Dr dah view slide, seb baik.. xde byk komen.

byk suggestion.

like.

Dr nmpk cam super kool la plk smlm.

seb baik lg.

huhu

lusa present. berdebar.

tndanya normal.

seb baik lg.

hari ini juga masih berkisar pd photography stuff.

bangun pagi lewat.

sangat.

tido sgt lena.

tak mimpi apa2.

mgkin sbb sengaja minum susu b4 tdo.

susu : ubat tido sy.

tak suka susu debu. tp, terpksalah.

mesti tido awal..(awal skit la kot drp bese2)

bgun2, on laptop.

(aduh, jgn la mkcik.. jgn reject trus. huk2..)

-abaikan, merepek-

sy browse homepage FB, cam bese.

on laptop : online : on FB : on blogging : on email 

(kena tmbh lg satu.. 'on FYP' -.-)

okes, ada gmbar lawa baru.

browse lg.

klik link pada org lawa n photographers.

jumpe profile org lawa2.
jumpe profile org amik gmbr lawa.

org salu photoshoot.

mmg lawa.

org bandar ckp gojess.atau..."syiott!! lawa giler!! "

sy curi2 donlod.

bkn ape. cuma nk tgk view yg mcm mana utk shoot spy gambar tu jd lawa.

ske gmbr shutter demons

annaseaskey

wan zulfadli

aizul marcello

(cari la sendiri)

bersedia ucap subhanallah.

juga astaghfirullahalazim..

hmm..

stalker cam sy suka la curi2 punya keje ni.

ahah. nk belajar ok.

xde org nk ajar kite. fine, kite blaja sendirik!

eh, x emo. cuma moodless.

x eksaited, x sedih, x rasa bosan. xmarah.

rasa nk buat correction 4 tomorrow's slide presentation.

tp.. 

hm..japg la.

pas post entri ni ke..

x abes lg membrowse gmbr.

ermm..satu lg..

ni from my point of view la..

photography mmg best.

lg2..ble tgk hasil org yg gempak.

dan.. kbykan gambar2 gempakstarz yg sy tgk tuh.. dihasilkan oleh muda mudi melayu.

kawan ke..

kawan kepada kawan ke..

or..photographer yg client nyer kwn kite ke..

bangga la.

hm..slalunya, melayu..org samakan ngan muslim kan?

apa yg bwat sy cam frust sket..

ermmm... perlu ke amik gmbr2 yg terdedah sana sini?

kalau tak kerana photographer yg suruh..takkan si model nk bwat sesuka hati.

terkilan sikit la.. sbb muslim kan..

erm.. taw je rasanya limitations.

jgn la over sgt.

paling last amik kelas agama pun, mgkin la masa skolah menengah.

so, mmg ada belajar pn kan?

urm.. tu je harapan sy.

xleh la nk ikut barat sgt.

nk amik gmbar tak pakai baju sgala..

pakai pn..mcm tak brp nk cukup kain..

kite ni islam. melayu pulak tu. org asia lg.

kategori org yg tinggi sifat malu.

urmm.. dah la tu membebel.

stop being reckless!!

(pap..pap...tmpar pipi)

argh..

parah. seyes parah.

bkn slide progress FYP yg sy tatap..

esok mmg kena hentam habis2 kentang lah ngan Dr..huu..

dh la x htr slide khamis bebaru ni..

adei..

tak siap.

*suara dlm otak*

sbb apa tak siap? busy sgt ke?

tak jugak..

abes tu..? nak kata kuliah.. bdo'oh sgt menipu tu..

err..tak..

so? kenapa tak siap??

err... hurmmmm...

masa tu mula la menyesal.

huhu..

bak post FBku, kegilaan menggila+mengguda...

itu sbnrnya Dr..

ye, itu mmg mslh sy.

tp..nk bwat cmne..

tak tertahan2 dah kegilaan tuh.

huk2..

FB mmg satu hal.

yg menambahkan keterukkan adalah..

menerewang ke belog2 photography nyer org.

kagum sana sini..

huuu...seharian begitu.

kalo tak pun, sebok mengedit gmbr..

 jiwa aku beralih pada itu..

payahnya nk reset. huhu..

mana bleh tolerate masalah dlmn cmnih.. huk2...

mesti Dr takkan trima nyela..

***

ermm...takutnye esok....huhu

nak xnak, kena jumpa jugak. uhu...

***

xbleh jadi! kena siapkan jugak slide mlm nih! MESTI2!!!

***

humphh..lemah betul bab2 multitasking nih. dpt fokus pd satu perkara je pada satu2 masa. my bad.

***

ahh... ckp cmtu saja, slide takkan siap jugak. kena BUAT!

huu..ye...baik...baik....

Badai berkeluarga- KCBspecial

tadi..tgk KCB special...smpai episod 50..belum habis..

ape yg sy ckp...cuma smpai ep.50..

dan..sy...sungguh emosi..

urmm...

sy tidak puas hati kewujudan watak Qonitah..

sy faham..Anna bermasalah untuk memiliki zuriat..

dan..katanya..mahu mencontohi Siti Sarah..

tapi..

huu..ia begitu sukar..

dan..bila tgk Aprilia protes masa mula2 dy tahu pasal agenda perkahwinan Azzam N Qonitah..

sy mcm tgk diri sendiri pula..huhu

cepat protes..degil..

tak matang...cepat emosi..

boleh cuba utk faham, tp.. enggan..

dan..mula bertindak sinis..

huu..kan baru je lg kawin..

knapa xleh sabar sikit lg..?

ada org...smpai 5 tahun baru ada anak..

ada juga yg lg lmbt dari tu..

Azzam patut bertegas la sikit lg..

huu..

wei..cerita je kot. dikarang orang..

yela..tu la sy ckp, sy ni cepat emosi..

kesiannya Anna..

besar ujian dy...

huuu..

apesal la bwat cter tensen jiwa raga gni..adehh..

Kiai Lutfi pn...apesal la suh kawen jgk ngan Qonitah tu..

hurm..Qonitah pn kesian jgk sbnrnya.. 

kerana permintaan Kiai Lutfi tuh..dy kena cemuh sgala..

kalo sy laa...huu...xdaya nk tanggung..

nak rampas or..kongsi org punya?

ishh...sy tak smpai hati..

sy akan cuba sgala daya untuk berundur..

sy akan 'terprotes'..

uuuu..bkn menolak poligami..

tp..

huu....ntahla..

sy bukan org yg cukup sabar untuk berkongsi..

huhu